Re: out of the mouths of babes
Thursday, 22-Jun-2000 16:28:39
Forgive me if I launch a bit into my story here. I am so moved by your posting, so brought back to that exact time when we
were together in that house. I loved you so much.
Then one day, I was suddenly standing there looking at this sick, broken-hearted man who was addicted to drugs and alcohol,
with a gun sitting on his nightstand in my house. He kept me up at night having drinking parties. In a moment''s time, I knew
exactly what he was and how wrong I''d been. I hadn''t been saving the world. I was a stupid girl who''d been doing
probably more harm than good. So stupid and sick. Then I didn''t stop crying for the longest time.
That was when John had started to stockpile weapons. He kept them in the upstairs bedroom on some mission to protect a rich student. The good thing was that was the final straw for me. I was so freaked out: everything was going down, my little heaven world of God and his servants saving the earth was shredding. The weirdness finally got to me. Thank God. I ran away and found another man to lean on, but this one was decent and leaned back.
I have suffered long and well for my ignorant behavior. Most of all, I was self-destructive to myself, and I have learned slowly but brutally how to treat others and myself with more dignity and care. In some ways, I ruined my life, but it is a perfect life because it is simply life. I am grateful for life itself. I hope I will never forget how bad I can be. I am still a little naughty. I hope remember and find compassion for others who are ignorant, and I hope if there is another life that I have gotten men like John Panama out of my system.
Who knows what the future will bring? But I pray that it bring compassion and love to all. I cherished you. I can see your
beautiful sweet face right now. I am sorry I did not do better to protect you. I wish I''d know how. I wish I''d been an adult.
But if you ever need my help, you can count on me now. I will protect you the best I can. I''m thinking right now about
giving my name. I was going to be anonymous and write your sister. I don''t know. I think I''m going to remain anonymous
for now. For today. I feel vulnerable and cowardly, though afraid of what, I can''t say. Ashamed for sure. If you want to talk
privately ask Krista for my e-mail address. All my love to you . . .