Tuesday, 13-Jun-2000 16:18:00

I have wanted to share my feelings with many of you for a very long time. (Thank you webmaster for this space.) Unfortunately, I still fear doing so because I feel so vulnerable. I have continued to hold many of you in my heart because my love for you didn't die when I left JP . . . And, even though we never REALLY had the time to build deeply meaningful friendships, you meant a great deal to me.

When I left Johns side I literally thought it might cost me my life. He actually told me he couldn't protect me if I left his energy field. He went on to say that the "dark force" was manipulating me because of the power of our connection and that it was highly likely that "they" would take me out as well as other members of my family and even my girls. He scared the s--- out of me. I finally resolve to leave and accept death if that was how it had to be. I needed to be away from John. I also needed to give my girls a safe and happy place to live. I needed help from old friends and family to find the me I once was. I couldn't stand who I'd become being with him . . . And, that meant saying good-bye to all of you.

Someday, maybe soon, I'll write more. I'm honestly doing so much better today, it's just that revisiting some of these things are still very painful. Yes, the therapy I've engaged in has helped tremendously . . . and I still go. I just feel like I lost so much . . . and the journey since has been long and hard. I still wonder about some of the things I experienced with John alone. There was so much conflict around my connection w/him. He said he loved me more than anyone he'd ever known. But, he told plenty of women that. I played a difficult role and still feel like I'm missing a lot of pieces.

So many of you were soft and true lights for me even though I wasn't "allowed" to be with you for any extended period of time w/out a "sitter." You were why I stayed and fought against what I saw as wrong for as long as I did.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for every untruthful and misleading contribution I made. Please forgive me.

To Linda P., Linda R., Michael C., Stuart, Simon, Claudia, Haley, Sandra, Elizabeth E., Sharon, Marie, Kenny, Patricia, Casey, Natalie, Elizabeth G., Stacey, Dana, Marilyn, Joseph, Donna, Julie, . . . You will always have a place in my heart and I miss you. I miss your music and the late night talks. I miss our shared hope for a better world. I miss your laughter and smiles. I wish I could have known you better.

Maybe Me