|Wow, talk about triggers! |
Saturday, 17-Jun-00 06:32:37
Last night, I decided to finally speak up and I wrote down the following somewhere else so I could edit it in the morning. This morning I woke up and thought it would be too long. I didn't even look at what I wrote before posting the other one. I wanted to be the good guy and give some good advise and not hurt any one's feelings, pretend it was all ok. Wrong. Another lie I told myself and those who read it and some of my other postings. I do no one any help pretending JP is not responsible and could not honestly come up with any good he had done. Sorry to those who still want to believe it. Some of this may be a repeat of my watered down previous version. I apologize. Learning and growing, I wish I had sent this first, but those were good quotes, just not my true feelings....And the truth shall set us free. Warning hard truths contained, not for the faint of mind...
How to begin? At the beginning of course. I was already in the process of finally being honest with myself, my choices and the consequences of those choices. At my own personal responsibility for all of those choices, and who I'd become as a result of those choices. This included all of my life, my relationships, and my involvement with the cult of JP. I had started a letter to a few "friends" I was still sort of in touch with over the years. Not quite knowing how to proceed, I put it on hold and then this website appeared in my e-mail. Wow, talk about triggers. Talk about timing and opportunities. I know we all have our own experiences, perspectives, etc. It is wonderful and encouraging to hear so many speak up with the courage it takes to really heal ourselves, with or without using your real name. Like Claudia, (Hi Claudia) I am using my true name because it is my truth, my process and my healing. Also it would be pretty obvious. I also hope it can be of some help to others who went through a similar but unique experience. There has been alot of hindsight over the last year, alot of if I knew then what I know now process of facing the truth. And the truth ain't always pretty. Yes, I finally admitted I was a member of a cult, much to my previous denial. I realized alot of my choices in life were a direct result of two perverts who had seduced me. One when I was eight, the other JP. What happened for me is JP triggered all the old stuff that had been put in play from the past. I stuffed my conscience and went along and did things that I didn't necessarily understand but knew were wrong.
But my heart felt good, (another JP manipulation technique)I felt special. I gave up my own thoughts and feelings and followed him blindly. The silent observer. I watched things happen for fear of being kicked out of this "special" group, for fear of having to take responsibility for my own undirected life. I saw alot of manipulation, heard alot of lies, saw people excluded or used, and participated in the infamous PGM's. Never did those on anyone specifically, but was an esteemed member of the Magic House. The secret house no one besides JP had contact with. You know what we did there? We called on demons, did black magic to take specific people's money for JP's use, which of course covered our action at the same time. Sure we did some planetary work and called on angels too, just to put our little minds at ease. We were also JP's personal harem. That was where Michael was conceived. I was used by JP and in turn was the receipient of his greed, at your expense. The innerplanes and innerwork were never very real to me, I thought I just wasn't sincere enough, nontheless I pretended and participated. Later when he had a select group of us call on Satan, I did so. (I don't know what happened to Claudia and her demon story, it got erased, but I'm sure several others who were doing this never spoke up) Silence is not always golden. That was in the late 70's. Yes I was a willing part of his b---j-- brigade, tho was too naive to realize it. I never thought he was God, but a realized being who knew more than I. I saw alot of his personal books, which were alot of mind control, psychic manipulation crap. Should of been a sign. I was never a part of the inner circle, just someone JP thought was "sincere". Stupid is more like it. I got to see some of what went on there, close but never too close. I was accepted by the inner heirachy and enjoyed some of the "fun", but at whose expense. Everyone else's. That was how he worked, everyone got to see just enough to be hooked in whatever way he hooked them, but no one talked about it. He used my emotional instability, my lack of knowing the real truth about life, like having moral values, and really caring for those around you, and my liking secrets. Just like he used others who had money, connections, liked to also use people, or liked having their own control dramas stroked. Just like he used each and every one of us to some kind and degree, maybe just to fill the hall for Om circles to impress his next victim?
Emotions were unhealthy, and negative or real thoughts and feelings were grounds for being removed from "the grace of his presence". It was much easier to uplevel than be real. Much easier to look up to someone or down on someone else than to face the truth, to question what we were really doing. Alot of denial. It was a facade factory. Whatever fed our personal egos he used. A lonely, lost, seeking bunch of people with alot of projections that we're friends on a spiritual path together, really just hiding from our own responsibilities. Like raising kids. And it's all ok cause it's all God. We all joined up with our own set of neurosis, whatever that may of been. Everyone's got them, including JP. He however knew consciously what he was doing, have no doubts about it. He deliberately used us for all it was worth to fuel his own ego. The sad part is he used God. He wasn't just the card trick guy who kept us laughing. The repeated transmissions, entertainment and parties were just to keep us coming back for more. He played his cards close, most of us were not really paying attention until we'd been had. Some joined him in the having.
Actually I now feel that I was being groomed for what came next. He approached me at some event and in his mind reading way said I was thinking about having a baby. (Yes, a fleeting thought every woman has, Duh) He said it should be with the most conscious man possible, and then volunteered. It had to be a secret of course so Iris who was pregnant would not leave. What a fool, I went to consider it, and felt a great feeling of grace in having this son of Krishna. OK, see I lied before, I didn't know who Krishna was but I believed that line of BS. I only found out much later that he had approached many women with the some version of that same line. The one and only time we had actual sex I got pregnant. He even had the balls later to go HaHa you're pregnant. Wow, was I blind or what? Yep! Soon after, I went home for my dad's funeral and came back to be banished from the Magic house, too unclear. (sound familiar) Life evolved, the madness continued and than I had Michael. No one, including Michael, knew JP was his dad for 5 years with the exception of one person I knew of who guessed, and was good enough to be a friend. How did I justify this? Just figured I was doing a service to the planet, and someday M would know and that was all ok. Yikes. Boy that sure created a wierd secret life, almost like a pact with the devil. Don't know for sure how that messed up M's little head; God's my father, I'm baby Krisha, jeesh. Forgive me. I went on welfare and JP had me work for whatever organization he called it at the time to give me a few bucks, hence my do anything years, like pass along messages. I did do nitrous with him in the mid 80's, but not enough to see the extent of its abuse. I heard about guns later, knew friends who went into hiding to protect themselves from JP's illusions. I finally started to see JP and the group for what it was. Being a homeless single mom on the streets of LA tweaked me out. People didn't really know or care about the cost others were paying to stay involved. Always exceptions, and I thank those who did care enough to reach out. You saved my butt.
It was now the get a career cycle, ie make money and pay dues. M was now in kindergarten and I was tired of uprooting him and following JP around. I still participated when the LA scene was happening, got a job. When it moved to the bay I went sporadically, especially when I noticed some of my favorite people weren't there. Did I try to find them and see what was up? No, too busy struggling with my own life and glad to send the kid off to the kid's retreat. I took my anger out on Michael, as stressed mom's do, but tried in my own limited way to give him a semi-normal life with friends, families, nature and books. I knew squat about being a parent, was such a child myself in so many ways. But I supported him the best I could, really still looking for a man to take care of us, use to help support us and be the dad JP wasn't. I still wasn't paying attention, asking myself intelligent questions, getting smart answers and acting on them. Just going along with the message of the day. Ignoring alot of them, but still toeing the party line. JP would call occasionally with unreal suggestions on how to raise M. and would tell me I was being a good mom. (Ego stroke) He basically left me alone, I had done my duty and he was off using the next person. He's been doing the same scenario all these years. Same shit, different day. Sure he constantly changed the way he was doing things, kept us guessing. When the inheritances ran out he sent us to work, used your money to cover his lifestyle,his kids, his laziness and greed. The kid's had each other, and now have their own set of childhood experiences to work through. They are all wonderful, loving, learning and growing young adults now. I regret my part in ignoring them,I was brainwashed and am still deprogramming this cult influence. I'm also grateful some of you felt safe around me (Thanks 7, you made me cry). JP and I kept in touch over the years mainly over M, my own misplaced loyalty and my own greed in needing his child support. Used your hard earned money to raise his child, make him look like a responsible dad. Sure he was always buying the kids gifts, like any absent father, again, your money. He didn't earn it honestly. I love my son, just wouldn't have chosen JP as a father. I'm extemely grateful for all the men who showed up in his life and helped him be a fine young man.
For me the damage was done. My tendency for secrets and lies, manipulation, using and laziness were reinforced. I used RH to have a good life and to help me raise a son. After I disrespected him and had an affair with a married friend of his (sexual manipulation, gee where did I learn that?)(he didn't know until recently, it wasn't working and I knew I had broken a big trust and didn't have the courage to admit it or care enough to make it right)Still sorry RH, but glad your happy. I moved to Mt. Shasta, picked up the first likely guy who happened to be a chronic cult head,(not from this one but tried to get him involved), got a bit more involved myself, but really couldn't relate to the Oming anymore. Did the good thing of letting M go to the private culthead school(of course I was one of the used drivers for the more important moms). Then used up that "relationship" and went for the next. The patterns are so similar. Met someone who was willing to speak the truth and not put up with my BS. I fought him like a demon, blamed him for all my problems, was disrespectful, betrayed trust and loyalty (yeah, when the going got tough, I slutted and called that good). Really, truthfully was in an escalating, systematic campaign of lieing, cheating, using and being down right irresponsible and mean from start to finish, culminating with a pact with the devil to have him killed to have a life that he built, and a public orgy of lies and contempt. This was to someone who was truly helping, and genuinely cared. I just wanted to cruize and not do the hard work it takes to grow up and be a responsible adult. Shame on me. See I know the dark side intimately, that's why I can see it so clearly in JP. I had become someone I loathed. The truth finally started to sink in, I was sick, disassociated from my conscience and true self. I had turned from prey into predator. I'd taken the wrong path, please let me go back and heal it. I need help. I was in a whirlwind of negative voices and lies. It's taking a lot of hard work, help from others and favorable circumstances just to get to the point of facing the truth and naming it. Then comes the rest of the steps, remorse, repentance, and amending all your wrongs to find redemption.The dictionary is one of my favorite books. It's a long uphill climb sometimes, falling in the same old holes, like calling something harmful good. (like I did today). It took until last year to break away completely from JP, tell him to his face that things he said and did were wrong, that to forget any connection with me and leave me alone. He denied and upleveled on all of it. I also told other friends I had to break away, tho I was not completely honest with them. The main reason is you all are a bunch of triggers for me, I fall into bad habits and denial, but it is getting better. I did what I had to do, and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I've just had to take a stand and make the commitment daily to live and speak the truth. Trying to find my true self and conscience that was with me all along, but got hushed and actively gone against. It's a long and winding road. I really struggled with holding on to the "good" times and good people, while denying all the bad. What I know now is it all had an underlying theme. JP made us feel we were doing good so he could use us to financially support his lazy predatory ways. What was going on behind the scenes while were tranced out doing Oming, service or partying is inexcusable. If the truth be known, We all knew, all saw it, some of us earlier and clearer than others. Some were just not paying attention or denying it. Sorry, for me I can no longer live with my childish notion that it was ok. The good was just a tool cleverly used, all talk, no action. A perversion of all that is really true and good and right. Can any of it be good when it is based on a lie? We were conned by a master manipulator, not a spiritual one. For me calling any of it good is also approving of the evil. Evil by Webster's definition is bad, wrong, harmful and hurtful. I use this word deliberately. Check out People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck. It is a real eye opener.
The sad thing is who I and others became as a result. Time to climb out of the wreckage of this atomic blast. I am taking a stand and daily reclaiming a bit of my personal authority, redeeming trust and respect in mself, with others and with Spirit. I am holding JP personally responsible for the havok he's wreaked in my life and the lives of others. He infected me. I'm tracking down the source of my choices (or lack of them) and most of them end up at his door. Yeah I was messed up before I met him, but he took advantage of that and did his best to see that I followed in his footsteps, his actions mylinated some sick pathways in my brain. It was my choice and I too am responsible, but I at least admit it. I am taking a stand at this fork in the road, and going back to each wrong turn and starting again with my heart, seeing the truth. I choose to heal the past and start anew with a positive perspective. I'm learning to trust my heart and conscience, learning to trust true friends and real love. Life is good. I'm grateful to all those who helped me along the way, and apologize to those I used. I'm sorry I didn't care enough to reach out more than I did. Life is for learning and growing, forgiving ourselves and others. I know this is alot of personal information. I'm sharing because it involves an energy we met face to face, coming through one who claimed to be good and true and loving.Really a masterful liar, a predator. Do I sound angry? Well I am. Angry at myself for being such a fool when I knew better. Angry at JP for f---ing with our lives and completely denying it. Am I placing the blame on someone else and not being responsible for my own choices and actions? Absolutely not, just "giving credit where credit is due". I do hope JP is getting help, he needs it. I also say f--- you to the child molestor who took my innocence, f--- you to JP for using God and love and truth and all things good as an excuse to be an asshole, and f--- me for acting just like you. Pardon my french. Maybe one day there will be complete forgiveness and amends. From now on I'm living my own life separate from the cult of JP. And yes I am getting help. I know I need it. Peace