The dark side that I experienced while working with John involved the abuse of power, sex, alcohol and drugs. John was an abuser of these forms of stimulation and substances. And up until recently, so was I.

When I began to realize how heavily John was into drugs and alcohol, and how much he abused sex and women (including me), I became very disillusioned and very angry. I spent over a decade examining myself and the work through deep introspection and repeatedly made suggestions to John and others trying to change the way things were, to no avail. Instead, I was tortured by John and others’ power tripping me into believing the things that I saw that weren’t in integrity were my own battles with the dark forces within me.

I finally left the work because I realized that there was nothing I could do to save John, or the work, from its ultimate demise. The only thing I regret is that I never expressed how hurt I was that my friends didn’t stand up for me when they knew exactly why I left. They agreed there were problems that existed that needed to be dealt with, but did nothing to defend me or work out the problems.

I was on my own and felt betrayed by the ones I loved. To this day I have a difficult time trusting anyone when they say they love me, because these people said they loved me a thousand times and never showed an ounce of remorse when I left the work. I never received even one phone call to express sympathy or to ask what happened!

I dealt with the stress of this by getting into therapy, working hard, working out and getting high. I was very confused sexually, unable to create new relationships or intimate connections. I was unable to meditate for several years without crying or getting high to rise above the deep emotional pain and separation I was feeling.

I have stopped the alcohol and drug use, but it worries me that the pain that many of us have deep inside is being masked through the use of drugs and alcohol. Since stopping, which was very difficult to do, my whole world has changed, radically, for the better. I am uncovering pain, trauma and confusion from my relationship with my early caretakers and my parents which led me to certain abusive behaviors with John and other people in the work.. I’m changing patterns of thinking and behavior that have caused me to live in a world of insecurity when I thought I was living in a state of grace. I’m able to connect intimately and profoundly with people outside the “work”.

I don’t wish to be preachy, but it would give me great pleasure to see those of us who are abusing or dependent examine our use of alcohol and drugs (specifically pot) and determine if we are alcohol and/or drug dependent. I see so much of it around me everywhere now that I’m clean. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with using substances if one isn’t dependent or abusing them.

If you’re interested, check out the book The Addiction Workbook by Patrick Fanning. It offers simple, concise directions for determining if you have a problem, preparing to quit, getting help and support, etc.

When I realized there was nothing I could do to help John, I took a look at myself and started with me.
 

Claudia