Iím so self conscious of sounding preachy. Itís my style, my bad style perhaps. So I want to censure myself, not make a fool of myself. But thatís what weíre here to break is the censure.
How many people has weird sex with John or were told that giving him a b--- j-- or having his baby would bring them closer to god consciousness. How many prayed that harm would befall his enemies, those who expressed an opinion about him he didnít like. How many bought illegal drugs and risked felony conviction or watched him feed drugs to 6 year olds. How many were diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder or realized that they were sexually abused. I want to hear your stories. I know stories can break the anonymity, I donít want to know who you are and respect our pen names as important. But if anyone has the inclination to get more specific I would love it. I have often wanted to ferrit out some of these memories that others have had, if only to reconstruct more of my past and to place it within what I have gained in hindsight.
I know this may sound a little weird but the good thing about having gotten involved with John is that I have learned what a false teacher is, really learned about blind adherence; also the vulnerability of youth, the pain of naivity. I learned about not being seduced by charisma, or by mystical experiences, which are taken through the senses.
Before I met John Iíd had profound experiences, and when I met him I was young and quite desparate to find a guide to assist in keeping me awake, in a state of grace. How do I sustain this knowing who I am, this seeing of one being in every form, this ecstacy of formless existence at the source of all life, this love that is a the center of the creator, the namelss one. More than anything I wanted to be awake. Then I met John, an answer to my prayer.
There is no doubt in my mind that there was a kind of grace that we
felt in his presence. For some of my friends they have never felt such
presence nor had such mystical experiences before or after. It is very
attractive to be in bliss, to look at another and know the truth that it
is myself, to feel as if I am part of a great mission to bring love and
peace to the world. I think we believe that God is an experience, ecause
god is perceived through the means of an experience. I say that spiritual
experience is not truth but rather part of the phenomena of truth. A finger
snapping trance breaker, perhaps, an opportunity, a birthday present. But
if we worship experience then we are back in the trance thinking we are
free. It is a challenge to not get tricked by ourselves, the way we were
tricked by John. He tricked us with signs and wonders and a life that was
like a perpetual childrenís camp for the naïve spiritual seeker. So
naïve. Nobody taught us what to look for, how to stay independent
and to trust ourselves. Who could teach us that in our society? Only the
lucky had that kind of good guidance or good sense.
The intellectuals of Europe in the 1930ís became Communists to concretely bring unity and peace to the world. The aspired and worked tirelessly. They had lived as children through |World War I and above all they wanted to prevent another World War from every happening. With all their hearts and souls they believed in the vision and possibility of an enlightened society. I can imagine how they felt when they finally stop denying the fact that Stalin murdered millions of his own people. Some of them never recovered from the shame and disillusionment. Many of them were public figures and had to admit before their peers and audience that they had supported and worked for a monster.
Hitler had an abiltiy to make people feel deeply inspired. He unified his people and brought them out of a horrible economic depression. He began with doing much good for Germany, helping them to recover from the devastating effects of world War I and the Versailles Treaty. He put people back to work, gave them hope for their children, created jobs, food, national self worth. Germans would gaze into his eyes and feel seen, known, acknowledged. As if his gaze was for them alone, yet it unified them as one people, a people with a destiny. Ours in a old story that keeps repeating itself over and over, only on a obviously smaller scale. I wonder sometimes why rehash the war stores, bring up the past, go over the concentration camp statisitics, over and over. But I know that we must remember our misguided steps so that we donít repeat them and we can tell our children, donít go there, there is death there, there is harm there.
Hitler and Stalin were charismatic men that impacted history hugely. John did this kind of harm, only in a small way. But harm is harm. It never helps to say, Oh I should be grateful that Iím not a pauper in Bombay. It doesnít lessen the pain of persoanl abuse, or loss or disease. Yet, itís important to keep perspective and say I am not in Bombay and Iím glad that things are not worse. So we must tell the truth about our corrupt leaders, large and small. Free ourselves of despot and the need to follow them blindly.
In the midst of my continual ecstacy at being as close to John as I could possibily get: I speak here of experiences without drugs. Just coming into his presence and resonating with him was amazing. To sit quietly with him was to dive into a vast ocean of peace, to be scintillated with phosphorescnet good vibes. This is what seduced me into doing things I would never think of doing now. I look back and see that I was wild, stupid, immature, naïve and lost.
John dictated a bag of concepts so confused, so distorted, so prejediced and paranoid it borders on tragic and ridiculous considering these concepts were accepted by lpeople who were often in a very open state, like in hypnosis. He taught us to be superstitious to reject the things that scared and bothered him. It was like being in some kind of fantasy novel from Celtic literature. And I know people who still are afraid of the color red and wonít let their children keep red clothes they get for Christmas, or who cut off the red parts of stuffed animals. Little kids. We laugh about. I hope they remember to laugh if off. \these are people who have had nothing to do with John in years and years and still they enforce these weird beliefs upon themselves. It goes to show how hard it is to beat brain washing, how suseptible are to it. This is why John is dangerous, because he teaches lies, calls them truth and people act it out when they claim to reject his teaching all together. We have a big impact on each other and he ahd a huge impact on a small group of human beings and it is our job to throw away this nonsense and make him mo more apart of our lives. As we wolud throw away any ignorant superstition. We would question rejecting the superstitios beliefs of china. All you have to do is to read the ďJoy Luck ClubĒ by Amy Tan to realize how ridiculous superstition is.
John is a tragic anti-hero. He especially appealed to the women. He attracted the maternal types who babied him. He was handsome young man, charming, with all the best intentions. He ends up crippled, obese, addicted to blow-jobs from his female groupies, at different points if not now: addicted to drugs and alcohol. He is unable to support himself without his followeres giving him money. His final appeal to the world was nil. He didnít publish, he didnít record, he didnít travel. He fell down and didnít really get up. After a while there was little if no outreach. And from what I understand there is quite a bit of substance abuse within this small insulated group. A group of humans that formed a tribe, but thatís it. So hey don, this is not enlightenment.