Dead woman walking
Sunday, 18-Jun-00 14:36:20

This is huge for me. My life had hit a bottom. Emotionally. I was a battered child. I am a child so beautiful my heart just broke at seeing all this pain and abuse we do to each other. I sought a true God a God of mercy and understanding. What happened was when I had assisted JL in her meditation class one night, her x DL was sextually satisfying himself with my 5 year old. She told me the next morning that he told her not to say anything to me. She did. I confronted him immmediately. He told me it was because he "loved her." I told Jeanie about it immediately this all happened before I met any of you. I was on my way to LA and this incident beat me unlike anything I could ever imagine. How did my longing for truth lead me to this? We came to you Mother and her child wrapped in a celephane of pain. Told not to speak of it because it would be worked on by John. I believed it. I had no choice because I wasn't protected by my folks. I trusted that you who are lovers of Krishna afterall had the power to make wrong healed. So my journey began. Very few of you became my friend. I put my intention on saving the world. Oming for focal points etc. Cheryl would not allow the inner circle children to play with my daughter. JL dropped me like a hot potato. You see I was her student then. The love and acceptance I yearned for was not met by any of you. But the worst of it was that I just did not have the strenght to speak up for my daughter.

Years later I happened to be on a rode trip with a friend and we were at Mt. Shasta. I had no idea that Peter F had a rest. there. Well, I went to the abby and was on a tour. I was led to the central hall and upon a rug I "prostrated" to the buddha asking to learn forgiveness. Pleading to God to bring what it is I needed to be whole and closer to God (myself.) The monk walked up to me moments after I had said my prayer and said."this rug is reserved only for the highest order of monks here." What was done was done I thought. Well, I went back to Peter's Place The Bagel and who showed up out of the blue....?
DL... My heart racing.. I ran to Peter to ask for his help. He scorned me!!!!!! So I had to face this horrible fear once again. What did DL say? He apologized. So....... How do we begin to forgive? I don't think it's possible. I believe forgiveness is a state of grace that appears similiar to a revelation. I am open to that!!!!I pray that my daughter can recieve the Grace that can heal. The amazing grace that offers itself the beauty of understanding.

As I write this now I hear the song Amazing Grace the one Donna De Lory sings so beautifully on my cd player. Grace I open my heart, my mind, because I am a poor wretched woman given this life and all it's pain and passion to feel. I can't find myself to talk about this again with my daughter. Children sometimes blame themselves because they think they contributed to it. A childs sextual curiousity must never be exploited. Like what Chuck has done. I know he gets his just deserve. Some say it is not the proper punishment. I say it's the system for an ignorant society. Chuck it's time you take full responsibilty. I know plenty of you would have himn cry on your shoulder. I can't except your forgiveness. Maybe when I'm incarnated on the planet Venus. But for now this is a war and work it out place and now you were put inside to go inside. Now when I talked to my daughter she did say that all the children called him Donald the Duck. I was assured that those who knew kept an explicite eye on him. Yet now I have read that there was satanic manipulations on him to squeeze money out of him. So John kept him around for his pocket book knowing his pedophile behavior. This is sick......I told my daughter about this site. I told her about the use of Nitrous and she just laughted. Like what abunch of sickos. You know what using drugs to know god just doesn't fly with me.
To justify does not convince.

I was responsible for my child. I was unable to prevent this from happening. I do know that I cannot forgive anyone that abuses a child and that there was mostly that going on in this panama cult. Our inner child was abused constantly. Our trust and innocence was slain. We watched it happening. We were the pronographers of countless atrocitices. In the name of what? In the name of healing? The planet? The middle East? How about us? I am! I know that if I can feel this I can heal this. To know God (myself) to love God (myself) to hear God (myself) to speak God (myself) be God (myself)