Shivas last post
Sunday, 18-Jun-2000 13:29:59

I don't know how many of you signing on now read the posts back in the beggining. I was one of the first to start posting so I got out a most of what I wanted to say then. Now mostly I am listening. However, recently I heard that a letter was sent out on Johns behalf asking for money so he could seek medical help. I find this ironic that he has put himself in this state. Not that I would wish ill health on anyone.

When we were in the work having any health problems was like being a pariah. Major chits. When I did the LSD session (under Johns guidance) that destroyed my health I was left in severe pain from head to toe. My nervous system felt like it was being electrocuted 24 hours a day. So much so that all I could do was cry for years. I lost all ability to feel anything other than pain in my body. Spirituality and "bliss" and even simple pleasure became a myth to me. Johns first reaction was to send me away. I was sent to Colorado to teach where I wandered the streets, a pale ghost of who I had been. I was unable to sleep at all because of the pain. I would call up John saying I wanted to come back and he would tell me I had a important transmission and the pain was caused by black masters stomping on my head trying to jam me. Another time he told me I was working on Jimmy Carter.

I don't remember how long I was there but finally I came home. I was unable to teach or do anything. The pain lasted for years. In all that time John never once advised that I seek any medical help. On the contrary, it was communicated to me under no circumstance was I to tell anyone what happened to me. I could jepordize J.P. and the work and being that we were saving the planet what was a major no no. This was further reinforced by the fact that during the session the trauma originated in I was put in a circle by John, which was led by Robert. As we were peaking on acid he claimed to be Jesus and then went around the circle naming us all as disciples. I was named Judas. (Right before the session J.P. told us we should all try to be as spitituallty advanced as Robert, that someday he would have hundreds of thousands of follwers). So, if I went to a doctor for help and told the truth about what happened I would somehow fufill my role as Judas. I was terrified. Oh yeah, John did reccomend I see this phsycic healer he was into. He told me that the cord that connects the soul to the body had been broken and my soul was now disconnected from my body. That made me feel a lot better, (kidding).

I was constantly put in Om circles which did nothing other than further traumatize me or told to do positive affirmations and other ineffective techniques. I did positive affirmations for days on end. I was told by Cheryll if I was really sincere they would work. I was constantly instructed that this was going to be the breakthrough. Throughout that entire time no one ever suggested I be taken to a doctor to find out if I could be helped and I was to scared to go myself and tell what happened to me because I would have to tell about John. Boy was I an idiot. For years all I wanted was to die. I remeber when Jannie died at the funeral asking God, how come she got to die and I still had to live? The pain was that severe. At this time, I want to thank all of you out there that helped take care of me during those years or were my friends. Those who gave me spiritual platitudes,etc., I forgive you.

Over the years when friends would want to Om for me or anyone at a birthday or tell me they are working on a focal point, etc. I want to throw up. I have found since them the very mention of oming or any method or use of language
from John revolting. Unless I established real friendships with you over the last ten years you may have found me cold and standoffish. I apologize if I hurt you in any way. Any associations with the cult has been painful.
One thing that I am experiencing in reading all these posts is I don't feel now that I am the only one who was traumatized. So perhaps
I will see you with new eyes. To me it is such a releif to know that the truth about John is coming out and that at least some people are not still walking around deluded thinking he is a master or some such bullshit. The more we share, the more a total picture is formed, the more obvious it becomes how truly sick and peverted he was and still is. How much his motivation was sex, money, and power.

As I stated before I chose the name Shiva in response to a post when the board started claiming that John was one of the greatest enlightened teachers on the planet. That was like the straw that broke the camels back. I could no longer be silent. Thus Shiva was born. Now I want to put Shiva away. I implore those of you reading this go back to the begining of the board and read all the truths and stories that have told in the last few weeks. I said things I wanted to say for years and I am sure others did the same. As I said before I am not blaming John for my life now. I have a wonderful life. I never have regained my physical health, however, I have a deeply fufuilling life in all other ways. I am greatful for who I am. I do feel strongly that at some point John should be made aware of the results of his actions and be held accountable for his part in our co-creation. What that looks like I do not know. If all that come of this board (beside healing) is that he never teach again than I feel we have been of service. My deepest thanks to all of you who have had the courage to speak up.
In love, Mark a.k.a. Shiva