Kathy's story
Thu Sep 23, 2004 20:02

Hi. It’s Kathy. By choice I’ve been among “the disappeared” for a long time. But now I think I’d like to add a bit of my story. First some thanks and acknowledgements.

- Thank you to the person/persons who created and maintain this site. Even though I’m a newcomer, I think a lot of healing has taken place as a result of it.

- Thanks to everyone who has contributed, no matter what was said. Freedom of expression is a precious jewel indeed. And those of us who had it taken away for so long can truly appreciate it.

- Thanks to all those who helped me when I needed your help. You always had a smile for me. You gave me a place to lay my head and a place where I was welcome. You helped me tremendously. There were many. Those who come to mind immediately are the fine friends Gordon and Mary, beautiful Grace, and my faithful friend Margaret. Hello to you all.

- And, please, I ask forgiveness for all my insensitivity and downright meanness to ALL those whom I disrespected, dishonored, used and abused over the years. I am truly sorry.

- And I ask forgiveness of my beautiful Father who passed away before I could see the light enough to ask for forgiveness in person. I hope that wherever you are you can find it in your kind heart to forgive all my offenses. (And I forgive you for being a Republican, which is the only thing you ever did wrong.)

- Oh, and Mark from the Fun Band, I’ll buy your CD!

- As I said, I’m a newcomer. Yesterday was the first time I read Sandra’s entry from the year 2000. Thank you, Sandra, for your bravery, your intense introspection, your honesty and for being just plain REAL. You helped me a lot, and I’m sure also helped many others as a result of your courage. If I can be one-tenth of all that, I think I’ll be happy. Reading your story convinced me to add my piece.

I met John in 1975. It was BG (before the group). He was traveling around the East Coast with one or two students. I met him one Saturday as I was having lunch in a health food restaurant. I was 27 years old and in graduate school. But more than anything else, I really wanted God. (Sound familiar?) I had read all the ‘in’ spiritual books. I was a meditator. I had been to the retreats with the Swamis and the Babas, I was doing the affirmations. And I was ready for a change. It took me a day to decide to chuck it all and set out with John and his motley crew on that new path of Light and Promise. Am I glad I did? Sometimes. Did I find the Light? Yes and no. Was the Promise fulfilled? No. Was my self esteem trashed in the process? Yes. Was I harmed by all the lies, manipulation and abuse? Most definitely. Will I ever fully recover? I hope so.

But at the same time that I try to heal the damage and become a whole person again, I try to see things from a broader perspective. The way I see it, there were many (probably millions) of us who truly wanted to meet that Pure Spiritual Being, God in Form, the Perfect Master. Because we absolutely LOVE GOD. But, let’s face it, there weren’t enough of them to go around! How many such beings are there on the whole planet? 2?... 3?... 10?...zero? I have no idea. So… I got what I got. Some of it was good, some was bad. It could have been better. But it also could have been worse. It was what it was, and I learned a lot.

I hope that all the prayer, meditation and OMing I did actually did some good somewhere. Hopefully I learned for all time how harmful abuse is and how much I don’t want to do it. Hopefully I learned how important it is to honor and respect people (ALL creatures, actually). And hopefully I will NEVER do to others what has been done to me.

I’m still using whatever means I can to recover. (It wasn’t enough that I grew up with an abusive mother, AND went to Catholic school…Now this!) But I try to keep healing and moving forward through any means available. And by the grace of all that is good in the universe, I have a husband of 20 or so years (whom I met in the group) whose unconditional love still amazes me day after day. I will always be eternally grateful for his tremendous healing love.

Like many others I’ve spent a long time trying to figure it all out. How could anyone channel so much light and be so dark at the same time? How could a person speak so much of truth and love and be lying to so many people? Unfortunately, I think it happened (happens) a lot. The internet and bookstores are full of stories just like ours (and worse), of ‘spiritual teachers’ whose not so spiritual personalities /egos got the best of them. Even the best-intentioned at the beginning just couldn’t manage to overcome those mighty forces of power and greed. (And, oh, the sex was great too.)

There are stories about the Maharishi (TM) lying and manipulating to gain students and keep the negative stories about him and his organizations hush-hush. And of course we all know about Rajneesh. The stories go on and on. I personally believe that John had some very real experiences of light and God, but was “uncooked” on so many other levels that he just couldn’t handle it. I read a book that talks a lot about this very thing: Jack Kornfield’s “After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.” Among other things, there is some very honest talk about Buddhist teachers, lamas, rishis, etc. who could handle the “ups” on the path, but couldn’t handle the “downs” and tried to hide them (and their humanity) from their students. John says he had a hard time being human. I don’t think so. He had a hard time admitting he was human. Heck, he should have asked us. We saw plenty of it. Uhhhh, by the way, John, a pure spiritual master doesn’t lie and cheat and manipulate the dollars right out of people’s pockets.

How could I have been so stupid? I think that’s the part that hurts the most: How could I have been so stupid?

Oh well, moving forward now I can only pick myself up (for the umpteenth time) and hope to heal, forgive and be forgiven. I can continue to educate myself and be responsible and loving to my husband and family (including my sweet little canine friends whom I love dearly). I can do my best to act in integrity and try my darnedest to MAKE PEACE even at work (which is not easy). Most of all I can remember that God is and always was RIGHT HERE all the time. She/he remains always closer to me than close, and maybe my biggest lesson is that I shouldn’t have been looking outside myself in the first place. All these lessons and more. Life is great. God bless all of you, thank you and TAKE CARE of your beautiful selves forever. Kathy

  • with love to KathyAn old friend, Sun Jun 14 13:02
    I just found your post from 2004 and was so moved by it. I have thought of you often. You were always one of the truly good people, in my eyes, and I hope your healing has continued. There are a lot... more
  • John had a genuine awakening, that part I'm sure of, but that in itself doesn't change our conditioning. And most people are conditioned to have egos. That conditioning does not change when one has... more
    • Response to DonKathy, Thu Nov 4 10:38
      Hi Don: Thank you for your message. To use a cliche: "It certainly hits the nail right on the head." I think it's really accurate. And so clearly written even I can understand it! And by the way,... more
      • Email meDon, Sun Nov 14 05:53
        By the way, do you know me? Do I know you? I was around in the late 70s and we should have met, but I don't recognize your name. Take care. Kathy -I went to several meetings, I'm sure we probably... more
  • Thank you!Holley, Sun Sep 26 14:17
    Dear Kathy, Thank you so much for your sincere post. I have not checked in here for quite awhile and was so happy to see a post from you. I don't have much left to say here on this forum but want to... more
    • Response to HolleyKathy, Thu Nov 4 10:47
      Hi Holley: Thank you for your message and for the kind things you say about me. As one outcast to another, I appreciate them! (By the way, I never realized you were an outcast!) I'm glad you're doing ... more
    • Re: Thank you!Holley, Sun Sep 26 14:45
      Hello again. Somehow, even though I filled in the email address part on this post, the website now does not include the link. So, if you, Kathy, or anyone else for that matter, wants to email me, you ... more
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